i love people and their quirks

A friend in a strawb patch // Pungo, May 2018 // 35mm 

Was going through old journals this morning, and found this list, probably from 2014.

I had compiled little facts and quirks about friends....

-J. hates pickles. And anything else you might find in a deli.
-P. loves animals.
-H. sometimes laughs like an artillery gun. Or she's laughing so hard that no sound comes out.
-Che. once ate brussel sprouts every night for months. That may or may not be an exaggeration.
-Chr. is obsessed with personality theory and can pinpoint anyone's Meyer's Briggs after meeting them.
-M. has never pierced her ears.
-____ sometimes holds her pee when hanging out with people just so she won't miss anything while she's in the bathroom.
-H. hates the sound of ankles bumping together.
-P. has never eaten an egg (unless it's baked in something).

we are not accidents

And sometimes you find beautiful pictures in a friend's attic.

"you are wrapped in                                                                                                             endless                                                                                                                                   boundless                                                                                                                               grace."                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    [morgan harper nichols]  

this is what I know

35 mm // Northside Park - Norfolk, VA // spring 2018

I'm fumbling my way, groping towards authenticity. I want to live sacrificially, and honestly. But I am seeing my weakness more and more. This is growth, to realize how dependent I am on God, community, family. And my failing belongs. It all belongs. 

Flying back from Boston a few days ago, I finally finished Walking on Water. A friend recommended it this past spring; I've been drinking from a slow drip of L'Engle's insight since then. Mostly while stealing a few quiet minutes in the half dark of my room before dozing off to sleep at night. But this time, above New York City. There's nothing like being suspended in air with no distractions to focus my heart and mind. 

As always happens, her words resonated:

To know deeply is far more than to know consciously. In the realm of faith I know far more than I can believe with my finite mind. I know that a loving God will not abandon what he creates. I know that the human calling is cocreation with this power of love. I know that "neither death, nor life, nor angels. nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord." 

amidst the hustle

grass in the Shenandoah valley // august 2013

Because I need to remember that I can't just lesson plan for music classes day in and day out. That I must keep growing and challenging myself and making simple and beautiful things.

01. make sourdough bread
02. make cheese
03. start a fall garden...get manure for the soil
04. read Inspired: Slaying Giants, Walking on Water, and Loving the Bible Again
05. read I'm Still Here: Black Dignity in a World Made for Whiteness
06. run, preferably on the beach, preferably in the morning, preferably at sunrise...but I think that's too much to ask
07. host another thought dinner
08. try making another batch of kimchi. you'll get it right this time.
09. practice film photography. keep track of the settings for each photo in a lil notebook.
10. write and send more letters.

listening these days

photo cred

When I should have been planning for a lesson on all things Egypt...I was compiling a list of recent fav albums. Very important, very important: 

01. Thin, Lowland Hum

02. A Dawn I Remember, Holly Arrowsmith 

03. Yellow House, Grizzly Bear 

04. Killer + the Sound, Phoebe Bridgers and Noah Gunderson 

Also, dreaming of when I will have time to make things like sourdough bread and really dive into film photography. I recently took a position as the music director for a Catholic school. Needless to say, I will be working hard this year. I am grateful and honored, but also slightly scared of the transition. I am not in control of this life, but I get to live it.

Also, so grateful for recent reconnection with souls I love. With two very important people in my life having either moved away or gone travelling for a time, I found myself reaching out to old friends. Isn't it beautiful how interconnected you may be with someone although physical distance remains? 

when alone // part I

failed 35 mm? 

Things I do when I'm home by myself:

01. wash the dishes
02. clean out my fridge
03. scroll through social media
04. curse out loud
05. pray out loud
06. sing out loud
07. play Chopin
08. listen to Joanna Newsom
09. watch Queer Eye
10. stay up way too late

Thinking about the difference between feeling lonely, alone, and lonesome.

The antidote to loneliness is being seen, known, and celebrated. Belonging.
To stand alone for truth is sometimes necessary. To choose bravery and vulnerability (not mutually exclusive).
Lonesome makes me think of a landscape with no one there but the wind and hope for community.

i get to live this life

a blurry lemon at 211 1/2

A wasp sting on my thigh. A plethora of miscommunications and finally being honest. Going to church just so I can stand next to my dad and hear his booming baritone voice sing "it is well with my soul." Trying out a new routine - read for an hour every evening, play and write music for an hour every morning.

I get to live this life, I get to breathe this cool spring air, I get to pick the tulips I planted three months ago and place them on the table my dad crafted last fall.

I get to plant seed in my garden, to hang ferns on my front porch, to trust that all will be made well.

I get to choose hope, today.

     "Each day that is given to you is full of the shy graciousness of divine tenderness...
      Each day is a secret story woven around the radiant heart of wonder."
      [John O'Donahue, Eternal Echoes]

vivra sa vie

H. in the Tropical House, Norfolk Botanical Gardens, March '18

To live your life, with no apologies. To have grace on oneself for today, and simultaneously reach for tomorrow. Being present, remaining open, choosing trust.

Words I'm mulling over lately. More like prayers, as I remember the end of winter and look toward SPRING.

In all the craziness of the past three months, so much good has exploded into the scene. New friends bringing new perspectives and piquing my curiosities. Old friends coming to visit and calming my soul. Finding new rhythms in (somewhat) daily yoga. Embracing solitude and coming home to myself. Exploring some fresh creative pursuits. Trying, and re-assessing.   

Still so much I long for, but learning to let that be. To sit with the longing, and embrace the daily joys in my ordinary. Still so much I question, but also learning to sit in that.

My dear friend H. reminded me of this Rilke quote I love so much.

     "Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves,
      like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue.
      Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able 
      to live them. 
      And the point is, to live everything. 
      Live the questions now.
      Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, 
      live along some distant day into the answer." 

      [Rainer Maria Rilke]