uncomfortable seasons

a quiet morning in Mum's kitchen // 35 mm film

Before I experienced this transition, I romanticized it. I moved back to Virginia after spending three months in New Zealand last fall, and I jubilantly announced, "I'm ready to embrace all! The joys and the pains!!" Yeah, right. It's more like daily trying to ward off discouragement as I continually must re-adjust my expectations.

Here's the situation: I knew it would be a challenge living with my mother and 14 yr old sis. Don't get me wrong, they are beautiful souls and I love them and I missed them terribly when I lived 1,000 miles away from them. But I was on my own for 5 years, and it's quite different coming back as an adult child.

When I was in NZ, I looked forward to the new season ahead. I expected to get plenty of piano students and other part-time work almost instantly, save up the moolah, and then move out from my mom's place in a matter of a few months. Yet things hardly ever go as we imagine them to, right? Instead, this uncomfortable, longer-than-expected transition period is stripping me of a false sense of any semblance of control I tried to maintain by planning, planning, planning. Those plans have failed. And I am receiving fresh reminders of my frailty, my minute-by-minute need for God.

These days, I am not as quick to celebrate the embrace of all. Embracing the pain is not comfortable. But these days are more about my heart's awareness to the beauty in everything than about being comfortable. Ewww, I hate that word. Because I want growth, and often that means mess.

But in the arms of a loving God who brings comfort to my soul, I can embrace that mess.

YES.

Punakaiki, South Island, NZ

A few things:

I'd wear this any day. Would you?

And can I please just grow a flower garden?

I have decided to live assuming that as a 60 or 80 year old woman, I will look back and smile because life was good. To live in expectancy of beauty.

Listening to this Swedish and Icelandic pair these days. Tiny Desk Concerts for the win.

I worship a God who is good and holds all things together. Praying this lately, trusting for provision in the midst of the unknown.

a year in review

530 Hillside Ave. 

Our view of  St. Mark's Episcopal. Not pictured: magical breezes wafting through the windows.

Today I turn 25. And I'm feeling all the feels. So how 'bout a reflective post?

Last year, I finished four years at Bellas Artes School of Music as a private piano instructor. By the end of July, I said goodbye to 39 precious students, their families, and amazing colleagues.

Chicagoland had been good to me, loving me through dear friends, family (my cousin, brother, and soon-to-be-sister come wedding time this April) and church community. But last winter held a lot of unexpected loneliness and frustrations.

I said goodbye to living in Glen Ellyn in August. My family and friends packed my whole life up in my '99 Buick, and I moved to my home state, Virginia. Making room for the NEW.

Just in time for an oldest brother's wedding to his beautiful bride.

And then the most magical week in a cottage on Chebeague Island, Maine, with three amazing women.

And then heading to Great Barrier Island, New Zealand, for an unforgettable three months of deepening and uprooting and quiet and beautiful people and Father's love.

10 days of exploring the South Island, and then it was home for Christmas.

Most recently it has been a building, slow, transitional time.  And I'm grateful for family close by.

This past year brought more CONFIDENCE, and less FEAR. More ACCEPTANCE of who I am, and more FREEDOM to explore and embrace all.

Here's to 25, to taking even more risks and growing in all the ways.